Peace and Quiet: HA!!!

Hey world happy Friday!!!

Didn’t make it to the meeting on my day off. Good thing too, I heard that nothing new was said. Tried to get up at 6:30 but….just could not roll outa bed.  This getting up every day…yee gadzooks. Good job they pay you to do it.

Am still getting ‘welcome back’ messages and visits from people, which is lovely.  I wonder if anyone complained that I came back? Just wondering…..after all, no one would come up to you and say ‘get lost’, would they? Before I found out that I”m bipolar, used to say exactly what I thought. Honest, I’d just open my mouth and stuff fell out of it. And being in a biz that can involve a fair bit of negotiation/confrontation….when you run into bad guys/slippery dudes, I was not the person you’d want to have around. Think Murphy Brown on steroids. Anyway, the reception has been fine.

Today I was walking to a work meeting, when a voice rang out of an office I’d just passed: “WHERE on earth have you BEEN????” It was a lady who sat near my office and used to drop by to chat. She didn’t know where I’d gone. We caught up with each other–it was a cute welcome though. Someone else who I didn’t work with but who knew me came by to say welcome back too.

The cafeteria lady gave me a free sandwich and dessert today too.

Sigh. People can be lovely, can’t they?

Got to talk to pals Carol and GI today too, which was terrific. Am expecting pal Peggy and her son on Monday. We’re taking him (he’s 12 years old) to his first in-person NHL hockey game as a birthday present. He doesn’t know about it yet. No he doesn’t read this blog.

I hope.

So I guess I’d better do the frickin’ laundry since I can’t jam any more clothes into the hamper. Wouldn’t hurt to remove some layers of dirt from the floor either.

Later, world!

BJ

Apparently there is more than one hellhole, world!

Wonder if the employee has legal avenues open to him?

Today was weird. Freezing as usual but sunny which is good. Still don’t have much to do except read. I don’t think that they know quite what to do with me, and can’t say that I blame them. After all my return wasn’t expected by any of us. Still, they pay me an awful lot just to read.

Oh well.

Wound up reading some old files, one of which was a horrific argument between me and a very senior guy who wanted to write my report on his organization (a huge no-no). My boss changed in the middle of this, and both the old and new boss refused to make any decisions regarding this–or even to become involved. It’s in the past (I hope) and over, but it felt weird reading that stuff again.

And there is the full moon. Don’t know about you (and do tell), but I’ve found that the full moon does have a weird impact on me, and on others (mostly in their driving). Usually wind up feeling frantic or blue. Today it’s slightly blue. But at least I can blame it on the moon!

There is a huge meeting tomorrow about our organization, which is being merged with another one (actually the one in which my cubicle’s currently located). I’m invited, but in order to go, (a) I’ll have to get up at 6:30 and (b) I’m supposed to be off tomorrow. Haven’t decided whether to go or not. Will make that decision when I wake up tomorrow.

It was a bear getting out of bed this a.m. Working the full day on Monday after being off for three months was very draining and much harder than I thought it’d be. Yikes, I”ve become a wuss! But am far to in debt to retire. Yet.

So back to the full moon. Does it effect you? Do you think it has an effect on others?

Inquiring minds want to know!!!

Later

BJ

It’s sunny bright here and allegedly will be until Friday YAHOO!

Met more old friends yesterday, and had the pleasure of going to coffee with three of them (on two different occasions). In the hellhole, such things were explicitly not allowed due to the paranoia of the head nut. It’s a blessed relief not to have to deal with that. Even got a hug when I ran into someone I didn’t think was a pal anymore. Hmmm. Could take this! I hope this is a permanent thing. Need to settle into the office. Oh yah, also started and finished a task.
 
Have been cooking too, with more cooking planned.

Monday was my first 7.5 hour day in a while, and it knocked me out. Didn’t expect that. Am still tired. Hope that this phase goes away fast.   There’s a key meeting on Thursday (my next day off). I was thinking of switching the day off to Friday, but that might not work if Monday’s being tired experience is any indication.

Rant alert!

Monday was Ontario’s first Family Day holiday. For some people. It’s a great idea, don’t get me wrong, but what I consider to be an unfair proportion of single workers are treated like second class citizens. Am wondering when it became a socially unacceptable thing to not be married/be childless. Although this surfaces in a variety of ways, it’s reared its ugly head again yesterday (Family Day). Some of my single pals got stuck doing the coupled people’s work. For example,  back at the hellhole, pal P had to do my ex-work, hers and her new boss’ because the new boss wanted to stay home with the kids/family that day. That part isn’t bad, what was unacceptable was the boss’ assumption that P could and would accept this because she’s single and childless. Hopefully this was an isolated incident, but. . .    

I am not anti-family or anti-child. I am, however, strongly against ‘dumping on the childless/singles’ (or on anyone for that matter, unless they’re mean). In fact, that’s why I started blogging in the first place.  At that time, He who shall not be named told me that he would rely on me to visit Mom in the hospital after her heart attack-pneumonia because he was busy, and I, being single, had more time than he did to devote to such things (grrrrr). Yes that was a serious statement.

It isn’t easy being single and having to do a lot of things by yourself that couples normally split. Like caring for elderly relatives, shopping (food/clothes/whatever), house and car repairs, waiting for service people, picking up dry cleaning, etc. It adds to the isolation and blues involved when others assume–or worse, tell you–that you’re available to carry out their duties because you’re ‘free of responsibilities’ (not realizing that we have as many, or more in the case of single parents, and require more time off than coupled folks do for that very reason–there’s no one else to help out). Being single isn’t necessarily even a voluntary condition. It would just be nice if more people, at least more people around me IRL, would think a bit before making assumptions about who can be available to do what. That doesn’t apply to you blogfriends, this is an IRL thing.

Having kids requires time (doctor and school appointments, after school activities, etc), care and effort– I realize that. But hopefully I don’t treat people with families (in the kids sense) poorly. If I do, slap me with a wet lettuce, OK?

OK, end of rant.  Sorry world, just had to get that out there.

Happy Tuesday!

BJ

It was bright, friggin’ cold, and pretty here. Unfortunately for me, it’s also “Winterlude” time in Ottawa. Some wags call it Waterlude because it usually rains. Not this year.

I had a hairdresser appointment downtown today. Left half an hour to get there, which is usually plenty. Not today. Why? Winterlude!

Had to get cash first. Guess what–a Brinks truck is there and they’re fixing the machine. Had a bit of a wait. Well, I think, I’ll just drive fast on the highway.

Ha.
Ha.
Ha.

One lane on the Queensway (417 to you under 50) was closed. Why? Not clear. But it caused a beaut of a traffic jam. So I bailed out and onto Carling Avenue, figuring I’d take the Driveway downtown.

Mistake.

Carling is not moving because the red lights are totally uncoordinated and it’s choked with cars bailing out of the Queensway. You get a green light at one intersection, then a block further the lights are red. Imagine miles of this and tons of traffic plus a very limited amount of time to get downtown.

Then got to the Driveway AND IT’S CLOSED for freakin’ Winterlude!

The rest of the streets are thronged by tons of out of towners sightseeing as they drive. At 20 mph. Argh.

I was 28 minutes late, but they were able to accomodate me.

Am usually laid back but it took me 20 minutes to get over the frustration of driving this a.m. Thank Heavens for my sweet hair guy.

So despite everything, got my hair done and got home in one (slightly frazzled) piece.

We’re expecting one heck of a storm tomorrow too.

Ya gotta laugh…..

BJ

Nothing much to report here. Got a great bill of health from the doc. I asked her if I was psychotic and she said no. As GI said, the criteria for bipolar has broadened significantly such that the diagnosis doesn’t include psychosis anymore. On the other hand, it’s so general now it encompasses quite a lot.

It’s a good report, let’s put it that way. Don’t have to go back for two weeks.

Am LOVING having every other day off. That isn’t going to last long, so am enjoying it while it lasts.

Hope that you’re with someone you love, or if that isn’t possible, that you’re treating yourself with great love and care, world.

Huuuuuuuuugs from BJ

Bubba and Ray were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.  A woman
walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we
don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the
pole down.  Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
measurement, announced,”Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t that just like a woman! We ask for
the height and she gives us the length!”

Bubba and Ray are currently doing government work, managing in Ottawa.

Thanks Geo H, this is right on target today!

I urgently needed a few days off work,

But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted “Crazy”
 
Then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,

So, that the Boss might think I was “Crazy” and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,

“What in the name of good GOD are you doing? “

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, “You are clearly stressed out.”
 
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.”

I jumped down and walked out of the office…

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,

“. .And where do you think you’re going?!”

She said, “I’m going home too. I can’t work in the dark.

When GI was here, we talked about bipolar people (he has a few patients who are bipolar). GI said that the ones he knows don’t work, even though they are medicated. Somehow it came up that the meds are anti-psychotics. I asked what psychosis was and he replied that it’s a lack of contact with reality (difficulty relating to it).

I don’t have that!

He agreed, and said that I should ask my shrink in what way I am out of touch with it.

This has me moderately worried–was I misdiagnosed or am I being wrongly medicated? 

So I went to the National Institutes of Mental Health (NIMH) http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/complete-publication.shtml and downloaded the following

*****

What Are the Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings—from overly “high” and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression.

Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:

• Increased energy, activity, and restlessness (yep had that)
• Excessively “high,” overly good, euphoric mood (sorta had that)
• Extreme irritability (never)
• Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another (once)
• Distractibility, can’t concentrate well (once when I took Aleve. It has a nasty impact on me)
• Little sleep needed (no, I GOT little sleep, I NEEDED much more)
• Unrealistic beliefs in one’s abilities and powers (never)
• Poor judgment (only in selecting boyfriends after my divorce)
• Spending sprees (yeppir big time)
• A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual (no)
• Increased sexual drive (ha ha I’m in MENOPAUSE, there is NO sex drive)
• Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications (never, well OK I take sleep meds to sleep)
• Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior (no, I have the opposite problem)
• Denial that anything is wrong (no)

A manic episode is diagnosed if elevated mood occurs with three or more of the other symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for 1 week or longer. If the mood is irritable, four additional symptoms must be present.

Signs and symptoms of depression (or a depressive episode) include:

• Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood (yes) 
• Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism (during my divorce, yes)
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness (yes big time)
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex (see menopause comment)
• Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being “slowed down” (big time)
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions (during divorce)
• Restlessness or irritability (no)
• Sleeping too much, or can’t sleep (big time–again, menopause plays a role here) 
• Change in appetite and/or unintended weight loss or gain (yep)
• Chronic pain or other persistent bodily symptoms that are not caused by physical illness or injury (no, I”m pretty good at legitimate injuries caused by complete inability in sports)
• Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts (at one time, not now)

A depressive episode is diagnosed if five or more of these symptoms last most of the day, nearly every day, for a period of 2 weeks or longer.

A mild to moderate level of mania is called hypomania. Hypomania may feel good to the person who experiences it and may even be associated with good functioning and enhanced productivity. Thus even when family and friends learn to recognize the mood swings as possible bipolar disorder, the person may deny that anything is wrong. Without proper treatment, however, hypomania can become severe mania in some people or can switch into depression.

Sometimes, severe episodes of mania or depression include symptoms of psychosis (or psychotic symptoms). Common psychotic symptoms are hallucinations (hearing, seeing, or otherwise sensing the presence of things not actually there) and delusions (false, strongly held beliefs not influenced by logical reasoning or explained by a person’s usual cultural concepts). Psychotic symptoms in bipolar disorder tend to reflect the extreme mood state at the time. For example, delusions of grandiosity, such as believing one is the President or has special powers or wealth, may occur during mania; delusions of guilt or worthlessness, such as believing that one is ruined and penniless or has committed some terrible crime, may appear during depression. People with bipolar disorder who have these symptoms are sometimes incorrectly diagnosed as having schizophrenia, another severe mental illness.  I’ve never ever experienced this.

It may be helpful to think of the various mood states in bipolar disorder as a spectrum or continuous range. At one end is severe depression, above which is moderate depression and then mild low mood, which many people call “the blues” when it is short-lived but is termed “dysthymia” when it is chronic. Then there is normal or balanced mood, above which comes hypomania (mild to moderate mania), and then severe mania.

In some people, however, symptoms of mania and depression may occur together in what is called a mixed bipolar state. Symptoms of a mixed state often include agitation, trouble sleeping, significant change in appetite, psychosis, and suicidal thinking. A person may have a very sad, hopeless mood while at the same time feeling extremely energized. Nope, this sounds very foreign.

Episodes of mania and depression typically recur across the life span. Between episodes, most people with bipolar disorder are free of symptoms, but as many as one-third of people have some residual symptoms. A small percentage of people experience chronic unremitting symptoms despite treatment. Then how the heck can you tell exactly what issue the person has? This is pretty general, isn’t it?

The classic form of the illness, which involves recurrent episodes of mania and depression, is called bipolar I disorder. Some people, however, never develop severe mania but instead experience milder episodes of hypomania that alternate with depression; this form of the illness is called bipolar II disorder. When four or more episodes of illness occur within a 12-month period, a person is said to have rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. Some people experience multiple episodes within a single week, or even within a single day. Rapid cycling tends to develop later in the course of illness and is more common among women than among men.

****

Hmm. Guess it’s bipolar II, but now I’m wondering if this is accurate at all (the diagnosis).

Will ask my GP for a referral so that I can get a second opinion. Last time we spoke, he too expressed doubts about this diagnosis.